As you well know, there are few more embarrassing experiences than being blue-bagged. (I expect it often happens to you!) You will appreciate my surprise when I was first blue-bagged last Wednesday, and it occurred in a maze.
I was driving through Weybridge when I saw a small sign. It said "Visit the Addlestone Maze". Like you, I can't pass up a maze visit. I made my way to Addlestone Hall where the signs led me to the car park. It was empty except for a man in a peaked cap who led me to a corner position. I asked where the maze was. "That's information," he said, turning away to count my money.
I found the Information Cabin and asked a pleasant motherly woman where the maze was. She smiled warmly and then spoke with a friend who was sitting in the back of he cabin, drinking teas. "He's trying to find the maze, Hilda." The two women conferred. Then she told me "It's right over the other side," waving her hand around vaguely. I bought a map from her and found the maze to be not more than 20 yards away. Naturally, I went to complain. Hilda came forward, listened carefully and explained. "She only works part time," and returned to her chat.
I found the maze entrance under a large sign which said "ENJOY THE EXCITING MAZE EXPERIENCE – NO DAWDLING!" Once inside, I was astonished to find that the maze was very crowded. In fact, there was a queue of people shuffling forward. This included a tidy column of Japanese tourists who seemed unaware of the purpose of the maze. They appeared to think they were in a queue to visit the main house.
As we shuffled on, I felt a sharp jab in the ribs. I turned to confront a small, middle-aged man. He wasted no time. "Just pass this to the lady in the red hat, pal! Quick!" He passed me a blue plastic carrier bag. I turned around just in time to see the large figure in the red hat execute a left turn and disappear.
I hurried to follow, ignoring cries of "Wait your turn, can't you?" I turned two corners and looked up several paths. In vain. The lady in the red hat had disappeared. I turned back to the small man, but he also was nowhere to be seen. In fact there was no one about. Everyone had gone. I was alone in the maze. I had been BLUE-BAGGED!
I decided I'd examine the contents of the bag when I found some space. I'd just turned two corners when I found myself in the central area of the maze. It contained a bench and a telephone marked ASSISTANCE. I would ring for help if necessary once I had inspected the bag.
I was astonished by my find. I had half expected bundles of £50 notes and banker's drafts. Instead, there were only four large parcels of a plastic brown substance. Why would a stranger pass this to me? The only plausible answer seemed that the maze was a regular dropping off point for drug dealers and that the money was conveyed by other means.
Rapidly, I made my decision. The small man and the lady in the red hat must be prevented now from leaving the maze area. I lifted the phone marked ASSISTANCE. The response was instantaneous.
"Hello. Maze Police. What's your problem?" a voice snapped.
I explained my dilemma and the need to apprehend the criminals immediately. I would join the Police as soon as I got out of the maze.
"No way!" answered the Maze Police. "We can't go rushing out to arrest all small men and ladies in red hats on the strength of a single phone call."
"You're forgetting," I said, "I've got both the bag and the drugs."
I could hear them conferring for a few moments. Then, the voice said "Are you sure it isn't toffee? OK, point taken. You'd better make what we call an Assisted Exit. Where are you now?"
"I'm by the phone at the centre of the maze and . . . wait!" I cried. I could overhear a conversation from the other side of the hedge. A man's voice snivelled. "But you knew I'd use a decoy to transfer to you. Why did you go rushing off, ignoring your blue bag?"
A female replied in the unmistakable tones of a coloratura soprano. "You silly little man! I've never even seen the bag! If that's what you call transfer by decoy . . ." Their voices faded.
I told the Maze Police what I had heard and they immediately planned my Assisted Exit from the maze. "Go to the north-east corner of the centre. Take that path. Then, take the second turning on the right until you reach a fork. Bear left. Proceed, passing the first, second and third turning on the left before arriving at your turning to the right. Now proceed along . . ."
"I can't remember all that! I'll get lost," I protested.
"Of course! That's the purpose of the maze. There is another way. You are sworn to secrecy about what we call Accelerated Egress". There was a pause until I said "I swear". The voice continued. "All mazes have a standard confidential code. At each corner there is a tiny metal tab. On it is recorded an arrow indicating the exit. The tabs will guide your Accelerated Egress. Message ends."
Quickly, I found myself at the exit. I was met by the peak capped car park attendant and the two ladies from the Information Cabin. Both now wore peaked caps. There were also several carloads of the local constabulary who were just now disembarking to surround the maze and carry out mobile patrols.
I turned to Hilda. "Did you catch the man and woman?" I asked. "Never even saw them – if they ever existed," she replied.
"But you must have seen them," I protested. "Anyway, what about the blue bag containing the prohibited substances? That's proof they exist." Here, a Police inspector intervened. "We only have your excited assertions. As far as I know your accomplices are miles away by now. It would help if we had the blue bag."
Then I had to confess I'd left the blue bag in the middle of the maze. The inspector, without waiting for advice, immediately ordered his men into the maze. "Find that bag!" he shouted. "We're talking illegal possession here!"
Most of the policemen rushed into the maze where they could be heard crashing and shouting about, blowing their whistles. I was allowed to re-enter the maze, under supervision. Quickly, I found the central area of the maze and the phone marked ASSISTANCE. The bag had gone! I telephoned my news to the Maze Police. We were all ordered out of there in a peremptory manner.
I was later charged with wasting Police time, there being no evidence of a crime or criminals. But I know what I saw. I am determined to get to the bottom of the matter. For instance, I've made an appointment to see Lord Addlestone. He is the direct descendant of the First Earl – Mad Jack: The Mining Maniac of Addlestone. There might be a clue there.
Yours,
PS If you want to join an international drug ring instead of going into teaching, just pop along to the Addlestone Maze. Take a spade.
