All has NOT been well with me. You may recall that some time ago I mentioned my disablement due to leg injury.
My doctor advised that I undertake a new range of interests. His exact words were: "Everyone is fed up with your constant complaints about a trivial disorder. Why don't you get another interest?"
Accordingly, I joined the Hanwell Community Centre Lip Reading Group. My purpose was to be able to converse with confidence across a crowded room. However, after only three lessons I was summarily expelled. The reason given was that I was mouthing obscenities at the other students. My explanation that I was simply chewing a large toffee was not accepted. "They always blame the confectionary," commented my tutor. She advised me to go for something less controversial.
So I joined the Medway Meditation Group. I was briefed on my role by Dr Gupta Singh, who is also a specialist in treating halitosis. He explained that we would sit in a circle. Using the mental exercises he had taught, we would acquire deep insights into our psyches. Eventually we would achieve nirvana.
"How do I start?" I asked. "Sit over there with the others," replied Dr Gupta. "When I nod in your direction you may feel you wish to strike this little gong. This will have tonal affiliation with the gentle humming of your psychic partners."
I joined the group. I found it difficult to focus both on my talisman and on Dr Gupta's nods. After a while I drifted off to sleep. I was awakened by the crash of my gong, which had fallen. All the others now started humming vigorously, while Gupta was shaking his head in a negative manner. But did he want me to sound my gong again or stay where I was?
To clarify the matter, I asked the advice of the other participants. "What does he want me to do? Sound the gong or sit still?" I enquired in a clear whisper. I got a variety of responses. There were two main schools of thought. One group were well advanced on their road to nirvana, while the others wanted to start again, using the gong as stimulus.
I was about to deliver my judgment, when Dr Gupta intervened. "Why are you trying to wreck the meditation group?" he demanded. I replied that I should have thought one of the main functions of the group was to dispel controversy. I was simply taking a lead in this. Dr Gupta took me to one side.
"I am the leader of this group," he said. "I have led this group for three years and now you attempt to usurp my position within half an hour of joining. You cannot stay. You must decide what you are going to do. After much debate we agreed that I start a new group: the North Thames Meditation Mediation Institute.
So if you are having trouble with your social group, put it down to lack of concerted meditation and send for me. My attention will be undivided as will my extraction of maximum fees.
Yours,
