Dear ______,
Once again I invade your private time to obtain advice. I wouldn't do so except that the matter is urgent now and could be serious for me.
The question is simple.
Is it a crime to stalk a domestic animal?
The context for my question is provided by the correspondence attached. It concerns my sister and brother-in-law (Pat and Chris). They are retired but, to date, do not constitute a risk.
Yours,
Conrad
[OPENING LETTER TO PAT HART]
Dear Pat,
As you know, I have been concerned for some time about Chris and his general morale. Even you will have noticed that his demeanour of calm good humour now masks a descent into happy senility. As the senior member of this family, I exercise my prerogative of review and intervention.
I believe that Chris needs to be given a modest, undemanding occupation. It should require him to move about in the fresh air, using his renowned vigilance and social skills (such as an open-air store detective).
As you would expect, I have now converted my general concern into a positive proposal. I have been in contact with John Godfrey, of Poogo Ltd. This company manufactures and sells a product of universal application.
I am myself now about to start work developing a flexible manufacturing strategy for the company. However, I've had words with Mr Godfrey, who is prepared to employ Chris as Sole Representative: Hastings. This will be on a generous commission basis. I need a commitment from Chris before taking things further.
Love,
Conrad
[FOLLOW UP LETTER]
Dear Pat,
I can understand Chris's hesitation about accepting the job. Obviously he needs a product description and selling profile. Yes, I see that without these he doesn't know what I'm talking about. And yes, of course I remember the Wheelie Bin Decoration fiasco. (We all make mistakes, you know.)
I'm now going to give you, in advance, a Poogo product description and our approach to the market.
Poogo™ provides an ingenious method for removing dog faeces. At arms length you can scoop up the faeces into the paper-lined jaws, operated from the long handle. You can proceed with dignity to the nearest disposal point, where the paper liner and its contents can be thrown away. We sell supplies of paper liners with each poop scoop.
We have found that our best selling opportunity exists in parks and other places where dogs and their owners congregate. Demonstrations are followed swiftly by slaes, usually by credit card. All Chris has to do is load up with a supply of poop scoops and make for the nearest park.
I recognise that Chris is unsure and shy about selling. Therefore, I'll do an initial tour of parks in London so I can pass on my experience to him.
Love,
Conrad
[THIRD LETTER]
Dear Pat,
I know that you and Chris are now enthusiastic adherents of Poogo™.
I acknowledge that sales through pet shops and vets can provide you with a nice little revenue, at first. But, as I said on the telephone, one thing leads to another and, like me, you will soon be yearning for the wide open spaces of the parks. It all looks very fine but I assure you – it's a minefield out there.
Take last Tuesday afternoon, for example. I was ambling about Gunnersbury Park, armed with three poop scoops. There were few dogs and owners about. Business was very slack. Suddenly, I saw a large Airedale doing its business under a tree. I hurried over and "scooped the poop" before chasing after the animal.
I could not immediately identify the owner, but I knew that dogs under threat return to their masters. So I shouted loudly, expecting that I would be led to a potential customer. As we rushed past other park visitors, I yelled explanatory remarks, like "I've got its poop!"
Soon, we left the park and up and avenue. The dog was well ahead of me and, in the distance, I saw it enter a garden gate. Breathing heavily, I rang the front doorbell. A woman opened the door.
"I've been following your dog," I explained, "all the way from the park."
She looked at me suspiciously. "What for?" she demanded.
"I needed to check on your dog," I said. "I've got its poop. Here, in my Poogo™. If I could just demonstrate . . ."
"Just stay where you are!" she interrupted. "I'm going to check that you haven't harmed Shirley." She turned and shouted "Shir-rl-e-e!" There was no response. "I'm taking a look," said the woman. "Stay!"
There was a considerable commotion from inside the house. Then the door was flung open. A large man appeared with the woman in the background. She was holding a Skye terrier which yapped at me angrily. "Know where we found our dog?" he demanded. "Under the car, quivering with fright. What've you been doing with those sticks? You need putting inside."
I tried to explain. "It's the wrong house. I thought your Shirley was an Airedale. If you will look at the faeces which I have here, you will see how the error occurred."
On and on went the accusations and explanations. My case comes up at the end of the month.
Please, Pat!! Persuade Chris to follow my lead and steer clear of Poogo™ in parks!
Love,
Con
PS Perhaps Chris could be persuaded to undertake a job which requires no effort or skill. He would just need a medical examination, followed by some slight treatment. Thereafter he would just have periodic inspections.
The background is that the recent genetic advances have enabled transplants to take place across species. You have no doubt heard of the mouse with the human ear on its back. Now, in the interest of trans-biological equity, it has been decided to graft a mouse on a human ear. Would Chris be interested?
There it is. Quite a struggle, finding ways to keep one's relative safe and healthy. It can be dangerous too. But I know my duty.
